GAME OVER MAN – James Cameron Avatars up Aliens

SUCCESS = REPETITION   

Sometimes a film can be like a parasite burrowing further inside of you until it finally reaches your cold mechanical heart, where it builds a nest. Like a quality hooker, part of having a personal affection for a film is about coming back for more and things still standing up. That means rewatching on home video and if you’re a tech enthusiast with cash to invest, that’s probably going to mean Home Cinema.   

Unlike a melted T3 DVD, Blu Ray is an over-hyped but under-valued medium – it means we can watch movies at home on a big screen (>50″) but with cinema projector-like quality. We can also enjoy sound quality which is a digital copy of the original recordings (like comparing CD to MP3). BRAVO! Now our love for a few precious movie gems can grow and blossom inside of us like a xenomorphic parasite as we rewatch them over and over again (with a cinema-like experience) until they burst through our skin like a spot and pour all over us leaving us feeling like a jellied but satisfied eel. Or… we can enjoy The Strause Brothers’ latest soul destroying snooze-fest without having to put up with those tracksuit wearing, back of the seat kicking, acid spitting chavs…unless I invite them back to my house for a cuddle and a Magners.   

A TO B – an art in itself   

Chance would be a fine thing. You see the process of getting the final mastered film into digital reproduction requires a human element. I may be a cold and mechanical yet functional object but I’m sure even I could have done a better job at transferring John McTiernan’s jungle-sci-fi-action romp Predator than the effort on the Ultimate Hunter Edition. Look at this!   

Davis Entertainment: Predator (on loan from Madam Tussauds)

   

Why does Dillon look like he just walked out of Madam Tussauds? Because the technician has applied a ludicrous amount of Digital Noise Reduction which has scrubbed the image to such an extent that all the detail is lost, much like the point. Now, I don’t wanna get silly about whether you can pick out a particular hair on someone’s arm but if there a noticeable difference or even worse, the feel of the film is changed because of some post-production work which is applied decades after the film was in the cinema….well… then I’m cross! ‘Blow you out the god damn airlock’ cross.   

CAMERON – Come back to Earth, we miss you!   

I LOVE James Cameron’s late ’80s/early ’90s movies. I love them like a son or a particularly amazing dog (such as Biolab’s dog F*I*S*T*). Terminator, Aliens, The Abyss, T2. All great. But now I hear that Cameron is about to release a remastered version of Aliens on Blu Ray. The film stock that they used has turned out to be quite rubbish so to get a decent picture Cameron and the colourist he “worked with for Avatar” has “de-noised it, de-grained it, up-rezzed and color-corrected every frame”. Now I don’t know about you, but I’m worried that a film that I love is about to be stomped on – probably more worried than what might happen with The Thing or Alien prequels (because if they’re rubbish I can just ignore them). I know I’ll buy Aliens AGAIN, so that I can enjoy it on my big screen and enjoy the wonderful immersive detail but I don’t want Aliens to look like Avatar – an all CGI, fluorescent wax works.   

Seriously can’t you take a step back from this Avatar thing? For what it is, it’s OK but move on. Why not make something low key but which still has punch?  I mean we’re now being treated to an extended cut of Avatar in the cinemas (so that they can continue making money after it was pulled due to contractual obligations) but there’s talk of an even longer cut “to wallow in” being made available on Home Video. Enough is enough – don’t make us the editor by putting everything you shot onto disc and telling us to sort it. Make a decision – you’re the director.     

Oh…..yeah did you guys also hear the there’s going to be a Blu Ray release of the Star Wars Saga? My god, George Lucas is now 27 years away from when he was onto a good thing. When the films felt real enough that the fantasy element was immersive. God only knows what those releases will look like – one thing’s for sure though – he’s sticking with the 2004 editions as it was “too expensive” to restore and transfer the originals. Pfffft. Something tells me that we’ll never again get to enjoy the original Star Wars Trilogy as we remember it and on a big screen – yours, mine or your local Megaplex.   

Blu(e) regards,   

Airlock   

p.s. I also hear vibrations over the web that there’s to be a rerelease of the Back To The Future Trilogy on Blu Ray and also a rerelease of the first installment to the cinema. Let’s make like a tree and keep our fingers firmly jammed up our backsides for this.

Wake Up: Time To Die (or not, as it would seem)!

Biolab is right: there’s something about the sci-fi-thriller genre that grabs you by the lobes and turns your head until it twists it off the wretched stump. Thank god for film-makers like Christopher Nolan and Duncan Jones. Without the likes of them, us Sci-Fi fans would be hoping that we’ll soon be crunched under the wheels of an oncoming robotic tank drone killer just to experience something visceral without the tedium. Unlike the upcoming Skyline, which is destined to be non-visceral tediousness in its most tediously non-visceral form.

 

In my metallic mind, Inception can only be perceived as a success and I’m also ridiculously excited about the next TWO upcoming Duncan Jones movies, but more on those in a bloody minute.

 

INCEPTION – A Dream Realised That I Realised I Shared

It’s a summer blockbuster in the sci-fi-thiller mould which, unlike Arnie with a rocket launcher, has proved that it doesn’t have to be dumb if it’s big. A massive part of that is the trust that Warner Bros. has put in Chris Nolan. He may now be an established blockbuster film-maker but it could have been so easy for those ham-fisted, brain-gnawing film execs to fiddle and fuddle with Nolan’s vision like that drunk guy at the party who can’t help but derail the mood of the evening by shouting nonsense movie dialogue and barking obscenities. Nolan and any other film-maker is only able to produce something of real note with a team around them that they can trust implicitly…. and Nolan’s got that – be it Editor Lee Smith or Cinematographer Wally Pfister (great interview here), Nolan knows what he likes and knows that he can rely on those around him to deliver.

Inception: big, but not dumb

 

REVIEW

I was so engrossed whilst watching Inception that when I left the cinema it took a few seconds to adjust to reality. Nolan managed to convey the dream like state without things appearing unnecessarily surreal (are you paying attention Dr Parnassus?). A big part of that is the use of editing – it not only helped the film to keep its momentem during the ‘real world’ scenes but was as much a part of the dream world as the crumbling cities and rotating corridors. In one of the opening scenes we see Leo scaling a wall – CUT – he’s on the landing – CUT – he’s halfway down the staircase. As it’s pointed out in the film, in a dream you never question the mechanics and can never remember how you got from one side of the room to the other – you just did.

Then there was the narrative. No one can seem to manage to tell a tale like Nolan. Pretty complex storylines delivered with real clarity. It’s as if Nolan’s brain is like a tap with almost limitless ideas pouring from it. If the film execs provide him with a large enough vessel; he’ll judge it just right so as to fill the movie with ideas but stop before it either spills into a zany incoherent mess or becomes too heavy to handle.

Inception (and the Batman movies too) could have ended up as another clanked out mess from Hollywood Explosions Inc. but it didn’t. The reason for this is not because Nolan restricts his films by using as little CGI as possible, rather it’s because he is such a great film-maker that he knows when to use it (the needs of the film are described by the CGI, not the other way around).

 

Feels like: having a dream that you saw a film called Inception, fell asleep in the cinema and started dreaming that you were in the film. 8+/10

  

SOURCE CODE – wake up, relive an explosion

So with Inception now just behind us we turn our bleary, blinkered eyeballs to scan what else is on the radar that might provide some sustenance for the Sci-Fi hungry brain.

 

Next Spring Duncan Jones will be releasing ‘Source Code’. The guy who last year gave us the taut and wonderful ‘Moon’ moves up a notch with something which sounds like it will grip your mind and explode little sparks of pleasure in your eyes. Like a Groundhog Day/Run Lola Run type of film crossed with a who-done-it thriller, the film is to centre on Jake Gyllenhaal in the lead role as a soldier who wakes up in the body of a commuter and has to keep experiencing a terrorist bombing until he figures out who the hell done it and why. That sounds like it could be good, in a Chris Nolan type way right?!

 

And if Source Code is a commercial success, (and why wouldn’t it be? If it’s marketed right it should draw the idiot guys who like explosions but also the idiot chicks who will be there just for Gyllenhaal) then perhaps Mute will be given a bigger budget….?!

 

MUTE

What the hell is Mute? Who the hell are you? What the hell is Mute?

 

Set in the same universe as Moon, Duncan Jones describes Mute as a “love letter to Blade Runner“. Considering Jones’ patience displayed in Moon we’re on the right side of the line – which really does excite me a lot.

 

Mute is “a big city mystery story that takes place in a future Berlin” and is about a woman whose disappearance causes a mystery for her partner, a mute bartender. When she disappears, he has to go up against the city’s gangsters. Come on, check out the concept art below, and blow them a kiss:

Liberty Films: Mute Concept Art

 

Moon was a fantastic low-key movie that intertwined a feel of space with a deep-felt loneliness. It was an absolute pleasure on the eyes and ears and Jones managed to reel things in at just the right time, just before it felt like you might drift off into outer-space. If you haven’t seen the movie I would strongly advise it. Just check out the title sequence here and tell me you aren’t excited for Source Code and Mute!!

Liberty Films: Moon

 

Lucid Regards,

Airlock

 

 

Someone Switch Her Off! ANOTHER Jennifer Aniston Movie?!

Another week, another Janiston movie. I’d been thinking it was about time for another one. We haven’t really had enough of them recently, have we? And in the weeks since The Bounty Hunter I’ve found myself really missing her asinine ‘oh so loveable’ grin and her preposterous hair. In fact, I’ve been missing her loathsome presence so much that I’ve been trying to replicate the experience of watching one of her films- having scabies and ground up glass massaged into my tender portions, pushing huge dog turds into my eyes until they totally fill my head, liquidising my fingers in a blender whilst necking with Celine Dion- but it’s not quite the same. I’m yet to find anything in this big bad world as teeth gratingly irritating and depressingly anodyne as the mystifying popularity of Jennifer Aniston.

GIVING PLEASURE

Oh, I know she gives lots of people lots of pleasure. But so did slavery for a while. And some people get their kicks out of rohypnolling vulnerable students or dogging with spaniels whilst dog fighting with dachshunds, and all sorts of other unsavoury activities. But that doesn’t make any of them right.

PUZZLING PUBLIC FASCINATION WITH SLIMY EGG LAYING  PREENER

I really am totally puzzled by the continued fascination the public has with Janiston. As I said in a previous post (http://www.pablumbiolab.wordpress.com/2010/04/01/janisto/), my relationship with her is similar to Ripley’s in Alien3. She’s been in my life so long, I can’t remember anything else. And her similarity to the Alien doesn’t end there. I bet she also has acid for blood, feeds on human flesh, and lays horrible slimy eggs. No doubt she came about through some sort of face jumping crab monster glurking its tube down someone’s gob as well. But, if I can be serious for a moment, she seems to have met with an unreasonable amount of success and public adoration through her uber-annoying role as TV’s superjerk ‘hair girl’ on the incredibly over-rated Friends, a show that despite ending quite a while ago has NEVER SEEMED TO GO AWAY. Every day it vomits itself out over the airwaves like some sort of broadcastable foot and mouth disease or skin infecting larvae and somehow its audience never seems to get tired of it.

Well, I’m tired of it. VERY tired. Going crazy and setting up my own fight club tired. As for Janiston- surely her talents on that tediously lazy rehashed programme didn’t rise above the occasional preen, some self satisfied smirks, and the bizarre public fascination with her incredibly nondescript hair. Occasionally there would be a scene vaguely smile-worthy, mostly because it was cribbed line for line from the far superior Seinfeld, which (lest we forget) was a show with some wit to it. In my mind Friends was like some lobotomised, drunken rhino blundering wildly through the jungle in search of jokes or sentiment, occasionally knocking into trees and bellowing loudly and desperately in need of being put out of its misery with a satisfying crunch or blam.

But, once again I get distracted by fury and bitterness. Maybe I’m missing something about glorious Janiston. I probably am. She’s probably J to the Christ or something. People certainly love her like she is.

MAKING THE RECESSION WORSE WITH FASCINATING HAIR AND SLOPPY TURDS

Anyway- as I said, it’s been a couple of weeks since the utter terror of The Bounty Hunter, so it’s with (bad) bated breath we eagerly await the latest Jennifer Aniston masterwork to tumble carelessly from Hollywood like sloppy turds sliding out of a slack-bottomed, hair product promoting cow . Yep, that’s right, there’s something called The Switch out now with her in it. As if it’s not bad enough that we’re in the worst recession in living memory and many people have lost their jobs and their savings and are watching their houses being repossessed by the money grabbling banks, in the very midst of all this misery and human suffering Janiston keeps coming along with metronomic regularity to kick us when we’re down. It’s like she’s arriving to the murder party late and then kicking the corpse’s teeth out just to feel involved.

SPERM-FILLED SWITCH OFF

But don’t vomit your soul into the nearest drain just yet! The Switch may be a superb movie. After all, it’s the tale of an unmarried 40-something woman (no doubt with fascinating hair) who seeks a sperm donor to get her preggers. Aaaaah, poor Janiston, always unlucky in love and needing to be filled with sperm- just like we remember her from the golden years when Friends was still blasting onto the TV! And here’s The Switch’s twist, and it’s truly brilliant–  years later it turns out that it was her best friend’s sperm that ticked her box all along! Cue unexpected romance that is as unexpected as it is totally expected. Talk about funny, eh?! Talk about BITTERSWEET.

Pffft. I’ll just stay BITTER thanks.

Apparently, this is ‘the most unexpected comedy ever conceived.’ Funny tagline. FUNNY. In my mind it’s actually the most unwanted comedy ever conceived. I would rather have never been conceived myself than this movie had.

HORRIBLE AWFUL BURNING HELL

This movie also has Jason Bateman in it, a guy who I have until recently had a lot of time and respect for. He was a major character in Arrested Development! He’s got pedigree. You know he can be funny without being intensely irritating. Arrested Development, you might recall, was one of the best US comedies to have danced gloriously upon our screens over the past few years. But what is Bateman doing? As well as being in the downright awful Couples Retreat (the filmic equivalent of The Hundred Years War, but far less interesting), I’m devastated to note that this isn’t even his first movie with the marvellous Aniston harpy. Nope. They were both in the brilliant The Break Up in 2006, and they have another fantastic movie planned for 2011, Horrible Bosses. I’m sure it will be horrible. Hopefully the sun will have collided with the Earth by then and we’ll all be burning in hell.

And I’ve got even more AWFUL news. They are apparently making an Arrested Development movie. This isn’t bad news in itself, although it is incredibly risky given the calibre of the original show. But there are now terrible rumours circulating that bloody Janiston may be in the AD movie!

BLIND HOWLING

Needles to say, if she’s in that movie I won’t be in the cinema watching it. I’ll be busy digging my own grave and lying peacefully in it waiting for the blissful end. I may even snap my Arrested Development DVDs and use them to gouge out my eyes, and then run howling down the street ahead of some sort of Biblical plague.

Anyway, Janiston seems to make it into the cinema with a dizzyingly pointless and bone chilling regularity. For all you Janiston fans I compiled a fairly detailed list from IMDB so you don’t have to. File most of them under Horror.

 Leprechaun (1993)

Dream For An Insomniac (1996)

She’s The One (1996)

Picture Perfect (1997)

‘Til There Was You (1997)

The Object Of My Affection (1998)

Office Space (1999)

Rock Star (2001)

The Good Girl (2002)

Bruce Almighty (2003)

Along Came Polly (2004)

Derailed (2005)

Rumor Has It (2005)

Friends With Money (2006)

The Break Up (2006)

Management (2008)

Marley & Me (2008)

He’s Just Not That Into You (2009)

Love Happens (2009)

The Bounty Hunter (2010)

 Stick those in yer eyes, or any other receptor you use to receive Aniston-related media!

In the interest of an even-handed argument, here’s a few fan sites praising her glory:

 www.jenaniston.net

www.anistoncenter.com

www.jenniferanistonsource.com 

Hair-Stroking ‘So Totally Like Forever’ Regards

Biolab

GUEST ARTICLE: Is it enough to fill it with blood (your blood)?

So Biolab and I sat down to watch Slither (2006) the other day, safe in the knowledge that our thirst for BLOOD, a crazy story, and some silly dialogue would be quenched. We were counting it as a banker: you know, a pastiche of all those movies that you love so it won’t set our world alight but will be solidly entertaining. The same can be said when we recently visited Planet Terror and were falling into cess-pits with Black Sheep.

QUITE GOOD (BUT TRY AGAIN)

That’s pretty much how things turned out.

The film starts at full-throttle and barely lets up – in fact 30 mins in, we were wondering if there was anywhere else to go. I’d say that the middle third (the introduction of CGI worms and the zombies) is where they lost focus on what was working (an absolutely ridiculous monster) but luckily, the movie never comes off the road and the end is actually pretty good (ref: Society??).

Slither (the good)

Slither (the bad)

Feels like: ordering your favourite meal from a high street pub. Overall 6.5/10.

NO EXCUSES – I’M GUNNA BLOW OUT THE GOD DAMN AIRLOCK

In this day and age, with filmmakers and audiences so super cine-literate, there’s no excuses for not producing watchable and entertaining genre movies. It’s not like it takes a lot – just get someone who loves these movies to make them (but leave the successful franchises and A-List movies to filmmakers who have succeeded beyond the genre – I’m thinking RR’s sludge pit ‘Predators’, Snyder’s solid but disappointing Watchmen and the two The Terminator movies (you know, the really crappy ones)).

Also, what the hell is up with cheap CGI? If you haven’t got any money or can’t actually pull it off with originality or believability then get a guy in a suit or use stop-motion! Like your mum.

All you want when watching a film is that everyone involved cares for what is being produced. Have the producers of The Wolfman or Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus actually watched what they made? I doubt it coz they clearly don’t care. The people who made those movies are like high-school jocks who get the lab assistant pregnant and then never see the kids, but dream every night of either dating those rug rats or else punching them in the head. It’s just fucking irresponsible – a drain on society and no doubt you’re spreading your diseases (I’m wondering how Mega Piranha got made?).

Oh yeah, please don’t remake An American Werewolf In London. If you really want to pay homage, get someone who loves it to make something original and then reference it.

These are my thoughts.

Wibbly armed regards,

Airlock

The Front Row Is The Scene Of The Crime: Inception Review

I had ludicrously high expectations of Inception, as seemingly everyone else in the world has, and they weren’t disappointed. This is a visually stunning, confident and complex piece of cinema that steps beyond being an action or sci-fi genre piece and gives you something totally immersing and unique in its own right. It again confirms that Chris Nolan is a majorly talented director who knows how to assemble a quality cast and crew and get the most from them.

As anyone who has been following this director’s work will be expecting, this movie looks great, with a creative attitude to visually treating you and confidently creating a believable and interesting film world. Even as I sat blindly for the first twenty minutes, I could hear that the movie also sounded great. The plot, which in lesser hands could have been as dull as watching a Michael Mann movie about John Dillinger, was gripping. It concerns corporate espionage, and trying to persuade a son to break up his father’s business. Without having seen the film, this sounds about as interesting as making a movie about some luckless researcher sitting in a recruitment office tele-headhunting overpaid executives, but in Nolan’s hands it’s an utterly mesmerising, involving, and intellectually stimulating thrill ride that somehow manages to have three or four planes of action bisected by a clear thread of narrative as well as finally leaving you with a hefty emotional punch. It’s rare to find something so action packed that manages to be both complex enough not to be insulting (but yet still can be followed by the Pop Academy/Big Brother followers with their poor battered brains leaking out of their idiot earholes) and also emotionally involving enough to make you care about the characters’ outcomes and eventually even leaving a lump in your throat. It’s a movie that gives you so much but yet still leaves you wanting more. Despite what some have said, I found the pacing throughout to be perfect.

PUT DOWN YOUR MAGNERS AND SEE

Despite myself, I couldn’t find anything majorly to fault in this film on a first viewing. Everything was pretty much exactly as I wanted it to be, and as soon as I left the cinema I wanted to go back and watch it again. If you were feeling mean spirited (which usually I am), you could draw a comparison to the Matrix, but unlike that film I feel that Inception would reward repeated viewings and reveal more of itself each time. Of course you can never know how something will date, but I would doubt Inception will look as creaky in ten years as the Matrix does now. It’s just a tighter, higher quality product.

Possibly, the only thing that could be improved would be to emphasise the emotional engagement a little more and make more of the love story/family element that runs through the DiCaprio character. It’s definitely there, but more as an undertow to the action, although it does make its presence felt enough at the end. In truth, I felt more emotionally wrung out at the end of the Dark Knight than I did Inception. The characters could also have been drawn in more detail, although this isn’t something you would likely be aware of as you watch the movie. But I nitpick. For in-cinema enjoyment, intellectual and emotional stimulation, imagination, visuals, and soundtrack, I couldn’t think of much to improve this film. In short, it’s the full package, and you’ve probably already seen it. If you haven’t, you should put down your teeth dissolving glass of bloody insufferable Magners and go see it now.

9.4/10

Blindly Appreciative Regards

Biolab

The Front Row Is The Scene Of The Crime: Inception Experience

For my views on the actual film go here

ABSOLUTE BLIND FURY

I was in an absolute fury for the first twenty minutes of this brilliant film. Not because of any issue with the quality of what I was watching (that quality was apparent even to me), but more with the sheer ridiculousness of just how close it was happening to my smashed-crab-like face. Unfortunately, due to my stupid but financially-motivated choice of seeing this film on a Wednesday, and to the nonetheless encouraging popularity and good press Inception has been enjoying, the wife and I were forced to take our seats right at the front of the theatre, sitting at a neck crunchingly unnatural angle to watch eye burningly distorted images on a screen that was so close it was scraped by our eyelashes every time we blinked. My eyes were literally bubbling and bugging out of my puny face as if I was struggling for air on the surface of Mars. After a number of thwarted attempts to upgrade tickets and arguing with the rude staff, I eventually had to resign myself to a literally blind fury that would no doubt be followed by actual long term blindness due to the eye torture I was putting myself through.

SHOULDN’T BE ALLOWED

They really shouldn’t be allowed to seat people that close to the screen. It’s a health and safety risk (as well as also being a downright ass pounding swindle). We’re not allowed to smoke indoors anymore or inject heroin into our testicles, we’re not allowed to drink alcohol under 28 or ride a motorcycle without a helmet, or bus surf, and if you use a computer for more than a few hours a day your employer has to give you a free eye test to ensure you’re not damaging your precious little gogglers. But the obvious and all too common damage that will clearly come from sitting on a seat that is for some unfathomable reason positioned inside the movie screen rather than a sensible distance in front of it is widely ignored, and cinemas can still get away with charging you £10 for a ticket and then making you sit somewhere where you have no chance of viewing the movie you’ve just paid to see. They might as well just take your money and then hawk out your eyes with a skewer and throw them in the slop bowl that Janiston guzzles her morsels out of. In theatres they sell these sorts of tickets cheaper and have the honest decency to call them ‘restricted seating’, but the cinemas don’t seem to have to do that. Time for a Facebook campaign? If Facebook can bring back Wispa chocolate bars and make Rage Against The Machine the Christmas number one in the UK or make some idiot name their kid Spiderman then surely it can use its social networking power for good and force cinemas to pull out the front rows of seats and toss them into the firey pits of hell once and for all…?

Maybe sitting inside the screen or so close to it you can’t make anything out but motion blur is actually the next step beyond 3D. Because the thrill-seeking brain-melted idiots who are so entranced by the joy of seeing something in 3 dimensions will no doubt be just as happy to throw their money away on blurred eye killing visions if only the marketing positions it right. As for me, my life is already in 3 dimensions and is terrible enough that way as it is. To have something flatly reduced to only 2 dimensions is quite frankly a blessed relief.

HIGH EXPECTATIONS: MET

After about twenty minutes though, we were able to move a row back and I was finally able to see this wonderful piece of cinema unfolding before me. These were my thoughts

Airlock and Biolab Spew Forth Argument About Scott Pilgrim Vs The World

With much loved director Edgar Wright’s new movie Scott Pilgrim Vs The World nearly upon us and the trailer buzzing in all our orifices constantly like a trapped bluebottle with a bad attitude, it seems a good time to rattle some cages with my thoughts.

BLOOD REPLACED WITH TANGO

The movie is a graphic novel adaptation in which Michael Cera (STILL playing George Michael from Arrested Development?!) meets the girl of his dreams and then has to fight off seven of her evil ex boyfriends and hope that we as an audience actually care. This being Edgar Wright one would assume that all this action will take place in a splendidly stylish cine-literate world and be an absolute pleasure to watch as it slides across your eyeballs and into your soft squishy brain. It may be the greatest graphic novel adaptation ever. No doubt there will be some fine little details to pick up on, some tasty witticisms, and no shortage of good stuff on the soundtrack.

Poster

But just one thing worries me, and it is one big, major, planet-sized thing really, something that I feel is likely to trip this whole thing up for me before we even get going. The whole movie strikes me as so irritatingly, exhaustingly juvenile and unappealing, and once you get beyond the amazing look of the film you’re going to feel like you’re watching Saved By The Bell or something equally trashy that you would avoid like the plague on TV. From what I know about the plot and narrative of this movie I can’t say it’s particularly interesting. In fact, on the scale of interesting and pointlessly tedious, it sits somewhere beyond boredom. And I’m not sure that my petty brain will be distracted enough from moaning about the lack of interesting story by the razzle-dazzle my eyeballs are being subjected to.

Maybe this is not a movie aimed at me as a twenty-something-bit-of-a-geek who is likely to ‘get the references’ at all. It’s probably aimed squarely at sixth formers and those people you see rotting their brains with filthy Magners and wearing t-shirts from Cheltenham with Japanese writing on. The trailer looked like it could be an ad for Radio One or Top Man or something, with all those in your eyes retro graphics and a mega conscious comic book style that is designed to distract you from the lack of anything deeper or more interesting in the movie.

Is this all going to be surface, like in Sin City, with nothing underneath but a flaccid romance plot and a brittle emptiness? If so then why do we need it- I’ve got my life for that! I found watching the trailer felt like having all your blood replaced with Tango and then having Haribo Tangfastics shoved into your eyes by ADHD teenagers who were actually cyborgs powered by Nintendo and really, really wanted you to be their friend. Some people might enjoy that. I didn’t.

BIOLAB

That said, I do really like Edgar Wright’s style, and even in this trailer too. It is very modern and slick, very schooled and clearly this is someone who watches a lot and knows their stuff. My real worry with him though is that it could be a case of style over substance.

I reckon some could level the same accusation at Sam Raimi (style over substance), but I would argue that Raimers has demonstrated that he can do something more nuanced and considered now. A Simple Plan, for example, is just a great film- a lot more complex than it seems and really mannered and restrained direction from Raimi. He holds back on the hyperstyled comic craziness and in your face explosions that made Evil Dead 2 and Darkman such rollicking rides of joy and instead goes for something totally different that in my mind showed he could do so much more.

Restrained Movie Making

From that point on he managed to combine the stylised pulpy show of his earlier films with a more serious and interesting edge, which worked really well with his Spider-Man movies and made me rate him as one of my favourite directors. There was a lingering darkness that we didn’t see in Evil Dead (which was just lurid craziness) and was hiding just out of sight with Darkman. To an extent Drag Me To Hell was a step back in that it was return to the earlier movies- but it was a ridiculously enjoyable cinematic thrill ride that I wouldn’t like to say a bad word against. The attack of the gumming old woman was beautifully done.

I’d like to see Edgar cross that threshold that A Simple Plan was for Raimi. Because I think he would then prove he’s a genius filmmaker rather than a master stylist. It’s largely the material I guess as well. What I’ve seen of Edgar Wright’s work so far I’ve enjoyed because it’s just very well put together and very well styled, but I there hasn’t been a moment where my heart or brain has been especially gripped and crushed by an unseen hand. I’d like him to make something that steps beyond the screen and gets me within (but not in god-damn 3D!). Edgar clearly does have a good eye but I’d just like to know he can do something a bit beyond surface.

UPDATE:- AIRLOCK VS BIOLAB VS SCOTT PILGRIM VS THE WORLD

All of this cage rattling appears to have unsettled my fellow ‘commentator on all things cinema-going’, Airlock.

AIRLOCK

AIRLOCK: “Ah Bio, I see you’ve got your grizzled goggles on. To quote from the SPvTW trailer “If your life had a face I’d punch it”! You should kit yourself out with some rose tinted specs like me. I’m really confident that SPvTW will be fun, imaginative and unlike anything we’ve seen before. During the current climate where we’ve got comic book adaptations being inserted into our brain quicker than a chatty parasitic worm can devour them (our brains that is) this film will probably manage to stand out from the crowd, like a suit at a comic book convention.

The time for Edgar to take something on requiring more restraint is not now – all that matters is that filmmakers make movies that they are deeply passionate about and are able to create their vision without dilution. If you’re comparing Edgar with Raimi we’re probably talking about Scott Pilgrim being the equivalent of Darkman in terms of career development. Edgar is two films into his rumoured Blood (“you’ve got red on you”) and Ice Cream (Cornetto) trilogy in much the same way that Raimi had made Evil Dead 2 before going on to Darkman.

According to Wikipedia (the fountain of all knowledge) a film critic from The New Yorker commented on Raimi’s filmmaking after seeing Darkman: “Raimi works from inside the cheerfully violent adolescent-male sensibility of superhero comics, as if there were no higher style for a filmmaker to aspire to, and the absence of condescension is refreshing.” My guess is that we’ll be saying something similar about Edgar after seeing SPvTW.”

MAKE UP YOUR OWN PUNY MIND

Perhaps my vacuous comrade is right. I’m sure I’ll be eating my words again as well as my entrails and my self worth after we see Scott P. This movie probably isn’t the time or the material for Edgar Wright to show the world he can give us something more meaningful and lasting. It’s only that my expectations have been raised, my interest in his films engaged, and I’d love to see him craft something that will resonate within my biomechanical heart rather than just slide off my eyeballs and be quickly forgotten like school firework displays or drunken nights with gaudy working girls.”

But don’t just listen to us two deranged psychopaths, see the trailer here & make up yer own puny mind:

http://www.scottpilgrimthemovie.com/

Flashy and Argumentative Regards

Biolab

XXX

Repetitive Strain Injury: Another Pirates of the Caribbean Movie!?

A fourth Pirates of the Caribbean movie is on its way- ‘On Stranger Tides’ will be with us in May 2011, delighting the bean counters back in movie world and bringing children and Depp-loving gals screaming into the cineplexes once again. But despite the rather appealing title, I have to wonder- do we really need another one? 

CHEAP TREATS AND INFANT BRAIN BUBBLING

I loved the first movie much the same way you’d love candyfloss at the fairground or a beguiling Las Vegas hooker you’ve decided to marry whilst out of your mind on booze and drugs. It was a lot of fun at the time. On its own terms it was a great film and a superlative summer blockbuster that didn’t demand much of you (not even really your full attention) and which flew by in a brightly coloured bluster of inventive action, interesting performances, and good natured swashbuckling nonsense. It was light on its feet, vividly revealing a rich and interesting world with some strong caricatures, ludicrous moments, and admirable attention to detail. Like the original Star Wars movie, you were swept up in the constant nonsense action without having chance to think about what it was you were seeing. Your eyeballs were goggled by cheap treats and your brain bubbled away to itself like a quaalude guzzling infant, eyeballs rolling back into its skull (if your brain had eyeballs and a skull). Quaaludes, of course, being everyone’s favourite central nervous system depressant.

 DISPOSABLE AMOROUS GRANNY ASSUMING WE CARED

But in the two movies after that something changed, the wind left the sails and instead starting laboriously puffing hot air into your skull like someone’s amorous granny trying overenthusiastically to resuscitate you when you’re perfectly fine doing your own breathing, thank you. The series became self-obsessed and bogged down in trying to be more than it was. It became too involved, with poorer jokes and more computer generated foolishness  than you could shake a cantankerous catfish at. The characters, so colourful and bedazzling as they danced before our eyes previously, were now revealed for the flat and two dimensional puppets they really were, with nothing particularly interesting to say and nothing fresh to bring to the party. The filmmakers seemed to have assumed that we cared about these characters rather than simply enjoying chuckling at their mindless exploits and cooing idiotically as they wrestled with special effects or accidently caused explosions or generally pratted about. They were eminently disposable, to be enjoyed once for their silliness/prettiness/amusing accents, then tossed away into the dustbin of celluloid  nebulousness without a further care. I thought/wished the whole franchise was over as I sat through the turgid second half of the third movie as the film palpably went down with the ship and I only wished I’d be sucked under too. Like so many of these pixelated blockbusting displays it was just so boring and deserved to go away and think about what it had done.

 SAILING INEXORABLY INTO VIEW

But I was wrong. It’s back, it won’t die. The sails are up again, the tricorns are back on heads, and Johnny Depp has blacked in his teeth and dusted off his most ludicrous accent yet in the hope that they’ve actually written him some decent lines this time. They say this new movie is going to be lighter. They’ve got a different director, got rid of two of the main stars (apparently), and no doubt promise swashbuckling exploits the likes of which we’ve never seen before or will again, but really what’s the point? Other than commerce.

 So best hand over your doubloons and fall on your own swords as another loud, messy and irritating summer blockbuster sails inexorably into view (next year).

 Arrrrrr Regards

 Biolad

Guest Reviewer: Airlock’s Toy Story 3 Review

With my new domestic arrangements and taking care of my son, it’s proving difficult, if not impossible, for me to tear myself out of the house and get down to the megaplex to feast my eyes on the newest and most exciting products reeling themselves out of the filmic machine. So I’ve enlisted the help of my trusty companion and fellow Gore Klub founder, Airlock, to assist me. He’s always willing to watch trash for biscuits or gleefully shovel the turd of the latest Zeta-Jones romcom into his eagerly accepting eye sockets in the name of entertainment. Think of him as a less verbose and more even-handed mechanical guide through the twisting and twining paths of film, which are all too often obscured by clouds of idiot pixels exploding into view, lakes of vomit spewing from Janiston’s fat gob, or the zombie moans of twats stumbling out of the latest Judd Apatow opus. 

Last week he went to see Toy Story 3. Here are his reports:

Airlock: “Once again the Pixar machine shits gold. It’s been over 10 years since the last Toy Story movie emerged from Pixar’s gold encrusted sphincter, but that hiatus has proved to be a very shrewd decision as they avoided over-exposing the franchise and also gave the creators a device to tell another story. For me, it needed a good song in there somewhere and it wasn’t as touching as some critics had made out but the film zips along with barely a wasted scene – keeping in line with the quality we’ve come to expect from Pixar. ”

“Feels like: Going down a slide and landing in a brightly coloured room full of pillows. 8/10”

Kudos.

Hope that’s helpful if you’re reading this.

Delegating Regards

Biolab

Review Round Up: Thoughts On What Has Been Poking Me In The Eye Recently

With a new kid in the house (mine), it’s proving to be very tricky for me to get out of the house (mine) and crawl my way down to the bright lights of the megaplex (theirs), so I’ve been keeping myself busy watching within the comfort of my own home…

Here are some thoughts and recommendations which may help you avoid disappointment or give you something to hunt down online….

Leaving Las Vegas, Dir. Mike Figgis, USA 1995

An alcoholic and a Las Vegas hooker form a desperate and transitory relationship in a brilliantly made movie that is touching, funny, heartbreaking, bleak and utterly gripping without ever losing its focus. Fascinating and sensitively drawn characters and career best performances from both Nicolas Cage and Elisabeth Shue that they’ll probably never better. This is beautifully and inventively filmed with a superb soundtrack. Quite possibly my favourite film of all time.

Feels like: Slaking a longstanding thirst with a refreshing cocktail whilst realising you suddenly understand the meaning of life and are dating the most wonderful person in the world. 9.8/10

Little Red Flowers, Dir. Yuan Zhang, China 2006

Classily made story of a rebellious 3 year old as he attempts to settle into a state run kindergarten in post revolutionary China. Understated and well crafted, with some interesting imagery and solid performances, this film holds the attention but ultimately doesn’t get that step beyond to truly engage you. I got a strong message that if I rebelled against the system too much then I would end up alienating myself from society and only end up miserable(er).

Feels Like: Realising you’ve bought Ready Salted crisps when you thought you’d picked up Smoky Bacon because flavours are decadent. 6/10

Bad Lieutenant, Dir. Abel Ferrara, USA 1992

With Werner Herzog’s new version just finishing at the ultraplex it seemed an appropriate time to revisit Harvey Keitel’s mesmerising and intense performance in the original Bad Lieutenant. This is an incredibly dark and bleak film about a renegade cop who seems to have lost all hope within a fug of hard drugs and alcoholism. With little in terms of plot or action, the film is propelled by Keitel’s  powerful, internalised and multi-faceted performance as his character gestures towards redemption just in time. The film looks a little dated now, but still packs a hefty emotional punch and ends extremely well.

Feels Like: Eating lightbulbs filled with sweet, sweet honey. 7/10

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, Dir. Frank Oz, USA 1988

Enjoyably silly knockabout comedy with Steve Martin and Michael Caine as competing conmen driven to ludicrous extremes in the pursuit of women’s money. I hadn’t seen this movie since I was a kid, and still found it to be funny and paced well enough to keep me interested. It’s not cutting edge comedy, but great fun and fine for its intended audience. Not at the level of something like Some Like It Hot, but worth the time if you’re in the mood for that kind of thing. .

Feels Like: Spinning around fast with your eyes shut, opening them, falling over, and standing up again. Pleasingly daft for the moment but nothing that’s going to make a lasting impression.  7/10

Brain Damage, Dir. Frank Henenlotter, USA 1988

Ridiculous and deranged yarn of a singing parasite that looks like a blue turd that’s escaped from Jim Henson’s creature shop and induces addictive psychedelic visions it its host. Totally bizarre and with some fantastically ridiculous lines, this is great middle of the night entertainment for stoned students. Not quite the drug abuse parable it seems to half heartedly want to be, but a rollicking nonsense that keeps you entertained throughout. Notable especially for the longest street walking shot I’ve ever seen, some great gory brain eating through the trousers, an insane scene with the parasite singing from a bathroom sink, and worth watching for the pulsing brain spaghetti alone.

Feels Like: Coughing up gold or being offered drugs by your younger sister’s hot friend. 6/10

Tears Of The Black Tiger, Dir. Wisit Sasanatieny, Thailand 2000

Wonderfully bizarre Thai film which successfully combines elements of melodrama, musical, macho cowboy movie and bursts of lurid pulpy violence to create an utterly unique experience that is as memorable as it is enjoyable. Unique and beautiful to watch as it uses a vivid palette of aquamarines and pinks to create a fascinating visual universe that draws on all sorts of different styles and traditions but raises itself above being mere pastiche. A fascinating, cine-literate film unlike any other I have seen. I tried to get my tutors to watch this at university, with no success. Their loss. Definitely worth watching for anyone with more than a passing interest in film.

Feels Like: Having the past 50 years of American film shoved into your face at once in an incredibly violent and enthusiastic manner, but this somehow being a pleasurable experience.  8/10

Alien Nation, Dir. Graham Baker, USA 1988

Essentially a quirky buddy cop movie, the twist being that aliens have landed, are walking around and working amongst us… and some of them are planning some sort of nefarious plot. This will sound vaguely familiar to those who have recently seen District 9, as there are many parallels between the two movies in terms of set up. This is more trashy and looks quite dated, but is still great fun. The set up allows lots of opportunity for silly jokes and cultural misunderstandings as James Caan’s jaded and alien-hating cop gets to know his new alien partner, and of course the whole situation allows lots of chance for allegories of racial disharmony. Ultimately the movie now looks a little creaky and it could be tighter in terms of plot, but this is enjoyable fun nonetheless. I would’ve liked it to be a little bit darker and more complex, but you can’t have everything I suppose. It was turned into an average TV series in the 1990s and there are rumblings from the Syfy channel about ‘rebooting’ this in the style of the recent Battlestar Galactica series. Sounds like that could be a good idea to me, if they do it right!

Feels like: Going out for an uncontrolled night on the town with a bunch of nerds who know how to have a good time, then being agreeably punched in the face by a lapdancer who looks like Yoda and turns out to be your friend’s mum. 7/10

Hope that’s useful.

Summarising Regards

Biolab