Janiston Rides Again

I see Jennifer Aniston has got another film out.

Why?

There’s a particular little space reserved in my bitter little heart for the vitriol I direct at Aniston, as anyone who knows me will tell you. In fact, this is so much a part of my character that it was even mentioned at my wedding (much to my wife’s dismay).  So in a weird way, my inconsolable hatred towards everything about the star persona of Janiston in part defines me myself.

She completes me.

Aniston: Funny and Talented

I can’t exist without her- we’re like two sides of the same coin- like Batman and the Joker, Jeremy Irons and his twin in ‘Dead Ringers’, or Ripley and the alien (Aniston would be more like the alien in this example), or possibly better examples of two linked things. Just like Ripley, Janiston’s been in my life so long I can’t remember anything else. She makes me want to jump into a lead furnace before she bursts through my rib cage.

Anyway, my hatred for this woman is so strong because she’s just EVERYWHERE! And she has been for years! She’s omnipresent, even though she’s never done anything of any note except claw her way out of someone’s womb, is totally uninteresting, and finished dating Brad Pitt (who IS genuinely interesting) before most of her fans were even born. And yet she continues to be in shit identikit romcoms or cute awful indie dramas, and is on the front page of every pikelet drama mag every month! Here’s a picture of Jen signing an accord for world peace! Here’s a snap of Jen necking with Danny DeVito at a funeral! Here’s a pic of Jen liberating the people of mars from the cruel grip of an evil dictator in the future!

Can’t anyone make her stop!?

See you at the party, Richter!

Claudia Winkleman Hosting Film Programme

This seems as good a place to start as any…

I see from the news that they’ve appointed Claudia Winkleman as the new host of the BBC’s film programme, Film2010.

Winkleman

Idiots! Why can’t they have an academic (or at least someone who is a recognised film expert) to do it, giving it some credibility? Even Mark Kermode would have done.

But this just makes the programme into yet another T4-style lifestyle programme for people who don’t really love film, but quite like to watch things if they’re on, and especially like it when things blow up or dogs fall in love. They should take the wreckage of Film2010 and make it into a serious film programme for people who have an actual interest in film. I mean a proper interest that goes beyond skimming through Grazia to see what the Top Shop ten year olds have scribbled thoughtlessly after their breakfasts of coke and evenings stalking Katie Price to see if she’s getting any fatter/thinner.

We don’t need a film programme that tells you how to look 40 years younger whilst redecorating your house and cooking along live! It’s not like the show is on at 8pm on a Saturday night- it’s on a weekday, buried way past most working people’s bedtime and with no advertising promoting it. It’s OK for it to cater to a niche!

Can you imagine the outcry if we had Gok Wan replacing Jon Snow reading the news? Or Vanessa Feltz hosting whatever the flagship football show is?

Despite the promised interviews with ‘experts’ (presumably Russell Brand or Bono), Barry Norman would be spinning in his grave (if he were dead).

Barry Norman: Actual Film Expert

I’m just sad I’ve endured years of Jonathan Ross’ self satisfied comments and ill informed opinions only to find they’ve replaced him with someone even less suitable! Time to stop watching.

Still, I’ll have to give it a chance and see if she’s any good. Which she no doubt will be, meaning I will have to eat my own bloody words. In hell. With Jennifer Aniston. Watching ‘Funny People’ and listening to Eiffel 65.