A fourth Pirates of the Caribbean movie is on its way- ‘On Stranger Tides’ will be with us in May 2011, delighting the bean counters back in movie world and bringing children and Depp-loving gals screaming into the cineplexes once again. But despite the rather appealing title, I have to wonder- do we really need another one?
CHEAP TREATS AND INFANT BRAIN BUBBLING
I loved the first movie much the same way you’d love candyfloss at the fairground or a beguiling Las Vegas hooker you’ve decided to marry whilst out of your mind on booze and drugs. It was a lot of fun at the time. On its own terms it was a great film and a superlative summer blockbuster that didn’t demand much of you (not even really your full attention) and which flew by in a brightly coloured bluster of inventive action, interesting performances, and good natured swashbuckling nonsense. It was light on its feet, vividly revealing a rich and interesting world with some strong caricatures, ludicrous moments, and admirable attention to detail. Like the original Star Wars movie, you were swept up in the constant nonsense action without having chance to think about what it was you were seeing. Your eyeballs were goggled by cheap treats and your brain bubbled away to itself like a quaalude guzzling infant, eyeballs rolling back into its skull (if your brain had eyeballs and a skull). Quaaludes, of course, being everyone’s favourite central nervous system depressant.
DISPOSABLE AMOROUS GRANNY ASSUMING WE CARED
But in the two movies after that something changed, the wind left the sails and instead starting laboriously puffing hot air into your skull like someone’s amorous granny trying overenthusiastically to resuscitate you when you’re perfectly fine doing your own breathing, thank you. The series became self-obsessed and bogged down in trying to be more than it was. It became too involved, with poorer jokes and more computer generated foolishness than you could shake a cantankerous catfish at. The characters, so colourful and bedazzling as they danced before our eyes previously, were now revealed for the flat and two dimensional puppets they really were, with nothing particularly interesting to say and nothing fresh to bring to the party. The filmmakers seemed to have assumed that we cared about these characters rather than simply enjoying chuckling at their mindless exploits and cooing idiotically as they wrestled with special effects or accidently caused explosions or generally pratted about. They were eminently disposable, to be enjoyed once for their silliness/prettiness/amusing accents, then tossed away into the dustbin of celluloid nebulousness without a further care. I thought/wished the whole franchise was over as I sat through the turgid second half of the third movie as the film palpably went down with the ship and I only wished I’d be sucked under too. Like so many of these pixelated blockbusting displays it was just so boring and deserved to go away and think about what it had done.
SAILING INEXORABLY INTO VIEW
But I was wrong. It’s back, it won’t die. The sails are up again, the tricorns are back on heads, and Johnny Depp has blacked in his teeth and dusted off his most ludicrous accent yet in the hope that they’ve actually written him some decent lines this time. They say this new movie is going to be lighter. They’ve got a different director, got rid of two of the main stars (apparently), and no doubt promise swashbuckling exploits the likes of which we’ve never seen before or will again, but really what’s the point? Other than commerce.
So best hand over your doubloons and fall on your own swords as another loud, messy and irritating summer blockbuster sails inexorably into view (next year).
Arrrrrr Regards
Biolad
Pablum from the (bio)Lablum 