Another week, another Janiston movie. I’d been thinking it was about time for another one. We haven’t really had enough of them recently, have we? And in the weeks since The Bounty Hunter I’ve found myself really missing her asinine ‘oh so loveable’ grin and her preposterous hair. In fact, I’ve been missing her loathsome presence so much that I’ve been trying to replicate the experience of watching one of her films- having scabies and ground up glass massaged into my tender portions, pushing huge dog turds into my eyes until they totally fill my head, liquidising my fingers in a blender whilst necking with Celine Dion- but it’s not quite the same. I’m yet to find anything in this big bad world as teeth gratingly irritating and depressingly anodyne as the mystifying popularity of Jennifer Aniston.
GIVING PLEASURE
Oh, I know she gives lots of people lots of pleasure. But so did slavery for a while. And some people get their kicks out of rohypnolling vulnerable students or dogging with spaniels whilst dog fighting with dachshunds, and all sorts of other unsavoury activities. But that doesn’t make any of them right.
PUZZLING PUBLIC FASCINATION WITH SLIMY EGG LAYING PREENER
I really am totally puzzled by the continued fascination the public has with Janiston. As I said in a previous post (http://www.pablumbiolab.wordpress.com/2010/04/01/janisto/), my relationship with her is similar to Ripley’s in Alien3. She’s been in my life so long, I can’t remember anything else. And her similarity to the Alien doesn’t end there. I bet she also has acid for blood, feeds on human flesh, and lays horrible slimy eggs. No doubt she came about through some sort of face jumping crab monster glurking its tube down someone’s gob as well. But, if I can be serious for a moment, she seems to have met with an unreasonable amount of success and public adoration through her uber-annoying role as TV’s superjerk ‘hair girl’ on the incredibly over-rated Friends, a show that despite ending quite a while ago has NEVER SEEMED TO GO AWAY. Every day it vomits itself out over the airwaves like some sort of broadcastable foot and mouth disease or skin infecting larvae and somehow its audience never seems to get tired of it.
Well, I’m tired of it. VERY tired. Going crazy and setting up my own fight club tired. As for Janiston- surely her talents on that tediously lazy rehashed programme didn’t rise above the occasional preen, some self satisfied smirks, and the bizarre public fascination with her incredibly nondescript hair. Occasionally there would be a scene vaguely smile-worthy, mostly because it was cribbed line for line from the far superior Seinfeld, which (lest we forget) was a show with some wit to it. In my mind Friends was like some lobotomised, drunken rhino blundering wildly through the jungle in search of jokes or sentiment, occasionally knocking into trees and bellowing loudly and desperately in need of being put out of its misery with a satisfying crunch or blam.
But, once again I get distracted by fury and bitterness. Maybe I’m missing something about glorious Janiston. I probably am. She’s probably J to the Christ or something. People certainly love her like she is.
MAKING THE RECESSION WORSE WITH FASCINATING HAIR AND SLOPPY TURDS
Anyway- as I said, it’s been a couple of weeks since the utter terror of The Bounty Hunter, so it’s with (bad) bated breath we eagerly await the latest Jennifer Aniston masterwork to tumble carelessly from Hollywood like sloppy turds sliding out of a slack-bottomed, hair product promoting cow . Yep, that’s right, there’s something called The Switch out now with her in it. As if it’s not bad enough that we’re in the worst recession in living memory and many people have lost their jobs and their savings and are watching their houses being repossessed by the money grabbling banks, in the very midst of all this misery and human suffering Janiston keeps coming along with metronomic regularity to kick us when we’re down. It’s like she’s arriving to the murder party late and then kicking the corpse’s teeth out just to feel involved.
SPERM-FILLED SWITCH OFF
But don’t vomit your soul into the nearest drain just yet! The Switch may be a superb movie. After all, it’s the tale of an unmarried 40-something woman (no doubt with fascinating hair) who seeks a sperm donor to get her preggers. Aaaaah, poor Janiston, always unlucky in love and needing to be filled with sperm- just like we remember her from the golden years when Friends was still blasting onto the TV! And here’s The Switch’s twist, and it’s truly brilliant– years later it turns out that it was her best friend’s sperm that ticked her box all along! Cue unexpected romance that is as unexpected as it is totally expected. Talk about funny, eh?! Talk about BITTERSWEET.
Pffft. I’ll just stay BITTER thanks.
Apparently, this is ‘the most unexpected comedy ever conceived.’ Funny tagline. FUNNY. In my mind it’s actually the most unwanted comedy ever conceived. I would rather have never been conceived myself than this movie had.
HORRIBLE AWFUL BURNING HELL
This movie also has Jason Bateman in it, a guy who I have until recently had a lot of time and respect for. He was a major character in Arrested Development! He’s got pedigree. You know he can be funny without being intensely irritating. Arrested Development, you might recall, was one of the best US comedies to have danced gloriously upon our screens over the past few years. But what is Bateman doing? As well as being in the downright awful Couples Retreat (the filmic equivalent of The Hundred Years War, but far less interesting), I’m devastated to note that this isn’t even his first movie with the marvellous Aniston harpy. Nope. They were both in the brilliant The Break Up in 2006, and they have another fantastic movie planned for 2011, Horrible Bosses. I’m sure it will be horrible. Hopefully the sun will have collided with the Earth by then and we’ll all be burning in hell.
And I’ve got even more AWFUL news. They are apparently making an Arrested Development movie. This isn’t bad news in itself, although it is incredibly risky given the calibre of the original show. But there are now terrible rumours circulating that bloody Janiston may be in the AD movie!
BLIND HOWLING
Needles to say, if she’s in that movie I won’t be in the cinema watching it. I’ll be busy digging my own grave and lying peacefully in it waiting for the blissful end. I may even snap my Arrested Development DVDs and use them to gouge out my eyes, and then run howling down the street ahead of some sort of Biblical plague.
Anyway, Janiston seems to make it into the cinema with a dizzyingly pointless and bone chilling regularity. For all you Janiston fans I compiled a fairly detailed list from IMDB so you don’t have to. File most of them under Horror.
Leprechaun (1993)
Dream For An Insomniac (1996)
She’s The One (1996)
Picture Perfect (1997)
‘Til There Was You (1997)
The Object Of My Affection (1998)
Office Space (1999)
Rock Star (2001)
The Good Girl (2002)
Bruce Almighty (2003)
Along Came Polly (2004)
Derailed (2005)
Rumor Has It (2005)
Friends With Money (2006)
The Break Up (2006)
Management (2008)
Marley & Me (2008)
He’s Just Not That Into You (2009)
Love Happens (2009)
The Bounty Hunter (2010)
Stick those in yer eyes, or any other receptor you use to receive Aniston-related media!
In the interest of an even-handed argument, here’s a few fan sites praising her glory:
Hair-Stroking ‘So Totally Like Forever’ Regards
Biolab
Pablum from the (bio)Lablum 