Wack-Ass

What is the big deal with this Kick-Ass movie?

Like anyone else who has been to the cinema lately, I’ve seen the trailer but frankly I don’t get it. As a trailer it wasn’t quite as tedious to sit through as the Green Zone or Legion ones, but it did seem equally pointless and also infinitely more irritating. I almost slit my wrists then and there with the razor sharp excuse for wit vomiting out of the screen.

MAGNERS

This is another one of these films aimed at pot smoking mid teens and adults who should know better but have killed too many braincells with endless teeth dissolving bottles of Magners/WKD and handfuls of idiot drugs to actually realise they stopped being a kid over a decade ago. In other words, this is a film for people who think Superbad is Citizen Kane and Russell Brand is some sort of Bill Hicks. People who were still eggs/sperm when Mallrats came out, or were mentally at the level of eggs/sperm and haven’t progressed much in the intervening years.

EYE BOILING 

Kick-Ass. Even the title is eye-boilingly awful, like the kind of thing you’d be embarrassed to find your own child saying and then would need to take them to Jurassic Park in an intense tropical storm or send them to investigate a mysterious distress call in space to ensure they never say it again.

PUNCHED IN THE HEAD BY TOSS POTS

Not that this titular failing has proven a handicap to this film, juding by the ill-informed avalanche of superlatives loaded onto its flimsy, pimpled shoulders by the kind of idiot tastemakers who still think an apostrophe indicates a plural. In fact, the slew of enthusiastic statements reading off the poster has the same effect as being repeatedly punched in the head by tosspots (an experience that I’m sure is only magnified when actually watching this vomitorious garbage). It’s excellent! It’s amazing! It’s the best thing since the surrender of the Nazis! And no doubt some imaginative pricklet has commented that it also ‘kicks ass.’

CAT EATING

Even the WHSmith browser’s film rag of choice, Empire, seems to like it. Not that they know what they’re talking about of course. Just like Q Magazine, they merely give 3 or 4 stars to anything ITV considers vaguely hip. But I have it on good authority that you have to be a cat eater to work at Empire. I do have a friend who eats cats (but doesn’t work for Empire- he works for TotalFilm, which isn’t any better), and his girlfriend has a glass eye. Together they lay out thickly sliced wedges of rum and raisin fudge to tempt cats into their flat, and then he clubs out their brains with a copy of Eyes Wide Shut. His girlfriend then goes through the entrails to determine how good any given new release movie is and sears the carcass by focusing a ray of sunlight through her glass eye. Then they eat the poor dead creatures on a bed of child abuse shaped pasta.

MISSING THE POINT

Or maybe, just maybe, in my bitter ignorance I’m missed the point here. This thought occurred to me whilst, appropriately, taking a piss, and I’m prepared to admit I’m wrong if I am.  Maybe a two joke film with the high point being a foul mouthed little girl kicking people is funny and worthwhile and not in fact evidence of both total laziness of both audience and filmmaker and not a harbinger of impending apocalypse. After all, at least it’s not got Jennifer Aniston or Adam Sandler in it.

Apocalyptic Regards…

Biolab